Once His

    This one I have written a long time ago, but in my mother tongue, Indonesian. I decided to translate it into English with some changes. Thankfully, since the setting itself is a Western-style school, I don't have to translate the cultural discrepancies or anything too complicated. I think this was my first time trying to write a thriller piece as well. Writing this, however, did make me realize how much I actually miss writing romance, strangely enough.

Once His

               For as long as he lived and breathed, never had he liked music enough to attend an opera. Don’t get him wrong, he loves music. But all his ears are familiar with were R&B, Hip-hop, Soul, and some other, more popular genres, never one of those posh classics, let alone attending an opera all by himself. That begs the question: can you even like something you've never heard? Well, yes. At least Brad liked it when that person introduced it to him years ago. The music, he has to specify, not the theatre. That is probably why the lights suddenly dimming surprises him; he doesn’t realize opera “theatres” are similar to cinema “theatres”

               With only dimmed spotlights illuminating the stage, he can make out rows of pews and makeshift walls with stained glass; a church, the place he barely visits if ever. The classic opening setting for “Bare”.

               Like two opposing poles of a magnet, his gaze is pulled toward the red-haired man whose bright and cheerful presence does not fade even in the darkness. Entering the scene with other actors, he is easily the most good-looking out of all of those rags, and the ambient music playing in the background makes his entrance look ethereal, almost divine. He sits, sings, looks worried, and sings again, and sits back listening to the father or pastor or whoever preaching.

Brad’s eyes look and stay looking at him, have always been, even before the curtains opened.

He’d like to claim that he was enchanted, cursed even, to love those beautiful eyes; he did feel the magic when their eyes first met, after all. Perhaps it was true what they said, the first will leave the strongest memory in your mind, especially if it is given by someone else. But then again, every memory that beautiful man gave him, and the memories he will have in his loneliness to come, are engraved in his soul.

He knows.

Brad knows he will never forget the past he had with Sean, especially not when the man is on his knees, belting on top of his lungs, looking up as his body is bathed by the spotlight like an angel.

It is the first time Brad sees the show, yet he has fallen head over heels with it, and has fallen for Sean even more.

The story looks a lot like how they had met before; in a school, where they often subtly flirted in the hallways and around the lockers. It was Sean who approached him, asking him what song Brad listened to from his earphones that he always had, asking him to walk around together, then walking home, and later having lunch. He never seems to be able to say no to that pretty face, he blames it on how photogenic Sean’s face looks, skin glistened under trickles of light sneaking through a hole in the roof or a window when he leans away, as he did if he wanted something from Brad.

 It is perfect, or would have been, if the male love interest isn’t played by that shitbag. His voice as ugly as his face which Brad doesn’t know if it’s worse than his shitty personality or not. Even when that shitbag talks normally, he already wants to punch his face. Now, he does not only have to listen to that guy's screeching voice, but also watch him kiss Sean. God knows, if he truly exists, that Brad is a patient man for putting up with stupid kiss that looks a lot like fishes sucking face.

Thankfully, what follows is a solo performance by Sean, Role of a Lifetime. A song that he really loves because it truly showcases what a beautiful voice Sean has and what a great singer he is. A heartwrenching voice and a frustration as if he himself had been in that situation, as if he is telling someone in the audience that he was playing a role. As if Sean is telling Brad that he had been playing a role this whole time. Their eyes meet, perhaps a coincidence, but Brad thinks it was fate, surely.

Sean once told him about the debate surrounding this song, as they cuddled together on their bed on that morning; the morning that every single cell in Brad’s body, every fiber of his very being, wished they could return to. Him lying comfortably, playing with Sean’s curly hair while the man cuddled with his head on Brad’s shoulder.

This song is written for Peter to sing, and most productions have Peter sing this song. However, an online production once had Jason instead, and it sparked an online debate as to who truly owns the song, Peter or Jason. Now that he has heard the song himself, he knows this song is neither Peter’s nor Jason’s. It was Sean’s.

No one knew better the pain and suffering of someone dating a man who knows nothing but to act in front of others; a man with no sense of authenticity or self-respect, not to himself, let alone to the person he loved. The man who abandons himself and damns the person he loves together with him with a future as dark as the starless night.

Who knew better of the pain and suffering that Brad had inflicted on him than Sean himself?

As the show progresses, he is a bit surprised by the direction and the tone of the drama, which he considers a lot heavier and more emotional than he thought it would be. The song “Audience” speaks of the casting selection that often favored a beautiful face and not talent, yet a certain song like “Wonderland” reflected a common perception of youth with its wild parties and drugs.

Maybe his surprise comes from the fact that he was unfamiliar with how drama usually goes.

There is another performance that attracts his attention, one that surprisingly has no Sean in it. A quiet, dark room setting reminds him of his own, not for the similarity, but the weird reminiscence he had in the lonely room. He doesn’t feel sad, instead relieved. To finally see that someone has understood him, and that he is seen. That he was not the only one who seeks respite in a quiet and lonely room when the world is too much for him to bear. “A Quiet Night at Home” is a performance that he knows he will remember in his time of loneliness.

The spotlights are dimmed again, and a few seconds later, they are transported to a nightclub, or that is where Brad assumes. Party scenes are never really his thing, those are more of Sean’s. He doesn’t hate party scenes despite never coming to one, and never berates or scolds Sean to be a party animal either.

What he hates, however, is to see Sean seducing that Shitbag with his dance. He tries to kiss the Shitbag, who plays Jason, many times, yet the idiot refuses. Jason only dares to kiss Sean after he pulls him away from the party, the coward’s way. Yet, Brad had to admit, it is a thousand times braver than what Brad would have done. He wishes he had the same courage to pull Sean into a quieter place and kiss him without worrying about what others would think of him.

We have to wait until the world is fast asleep

I’ll wipe away the doubt

And show you why we keep

The lyric, “Best Kept Secret”, resonates with him, calling his inner self that he wishes to hide. His desire to kiss Sean whenever he asked him to, yet he couldn’t because he was such a coward. This song expresses his longing to embrace and to say that he loves him, then, now, and ever.

He wants to cry, but he can’t. If he cries now, it also means he applauds the Shitbag’s performance.

There are a couple more songs that follow after, all beautiful, but none speak to his soul like the previous song. There is one moment, in “Birthday, Bitch!”, that carves open his heart, opening a scar that he buried a long time ago.

I think we’re missing so much.

The same words, the exact same sentence, that Sean told him once when Brad refused to dance with him at the Prom. He chased him away, and he did not meet Sean for a few days. He did not know where Sean went, he never dared to ask. What he knew was that his relationship with Sean had never been the same after that.

Act II begins with a scene that he always dreams of, that he knows Sean dreamed of once, a wedding. He remembers Sean waking him up with a kiss, and laying his head on Brad’s shoulder, back to their perfect morning. “One day, we’ll get married and live together, like this, forever.”

It is a dream, just like Peter who wakes up from it; Sean had woken from his long ago.

Perhaps if he had someone supportive, someone who was there for him like Sister Chantelle in the story, his life would’ve been different. Perhaps.

The more he watches the show, the further he immerses himself in the story. He is, after all, isn’t a stranger to poor decision-making and has his life being flipped over by fate. Every song, even those that he did not personally connect with, incites a deep emotion within him.

When the scene moves to where Matt is telling Peter how Jason, his boyfriend, got Ivy pregnant, the world disappears.

Only him, alone in his house, Sean had been gone for days, only returned to break up with him. Brad fell to his knees, hugging Sean’s feet as he begged and begged for forgiveness. The feet disappeared, and Brad was left alone in his rooms. He disappeared from the world, as his world had disappeared from him.

It is the beginning of the song, “Two Households” that awakens him from his… nightmare, the beginning of the final act. Not because he particularly likes the song or that he wants the show to end, he quite enjoys his time and seeing Sean again after what feels like an eternity.

Even after watching the whole show, he still cannot bear seeing Sean being hugged by the Shitbag, yet Brad knows it won’t be for long. Sean pulls away from Jason, refusing Jason’s attempt to get back at him, just like how he had refused Brad before.

Sean moves to another side of the stage while the spotlight shines on the Shitbag drinking his poison.

Brad cannot contain his smile, but he does not smile for long as the signature song, “Bare” followed right away, where Jason declared his undying love for Peter.

How Brad wishes that it was him who sing the song to Sean, to hold his arms and hug him for one last time, and not the Shitbag who takes him away from Brad. He wished to hold him tight and tell him how sorry he was, and that he loves him.

Please know that I love you.

From the start

He watches with a pained heart as Sean kisses that man, a different person who is braver and stronger than him in every way imaginable.

How the kiss that was once his now belongs to someone else.

He watches every detail, every crevice, every sweat that poured down Sean’s face. His cries, his smiles, his frustrations, he takes all of them into his mind and memory. It is the last time he can see them with his own eyes. How beautiful Sean is as he sings “Queen’s Mab” before Jason falls over with foam coming out of his mouth.

Sean is the first person to rush towards the man, clutching the man’s hand, calling for help as other actors run towards them. The lights dim, and unlike in the script, where Jason was supposed to go, Jack remains on the floor, still overdosing.

His face that full of happiness, is drenched with tears, like a ray of sunshine suddenly darkened by a cloud of storm. A smile on his face has long gone.

A smile that was once his, but not anymore.

And now, never for anyone.

At least not Jack.